today i blocked you on facebook

“to love is to enter into the inevitability of one day not being able to protect what is most valuable to you.” — Mohsin Hamid

it took two years. for me to finally let everything go. all our messages, that i was saving for the future ‘in case’ i wanted to look back at for future reference.

after i pressed the block button, facebook asked me if i really wanted to. did i want to prevent you from reaching out? did i want to remove you from our mutual tagged photos? i thought about it.

no, i didn’t. i wanted to preserve our love, a wilting rose in a glass capsule. a liminal space in time, when both of us were truly the happiest we’d ever been.

you changed me. i became more confident, trusting, loving. i now know how deeply i can love, and it only makes me more excited for what’s truly meant for me.

when i finally decided tonight, at 10:43 pm i would need to say goodbye — why should i not admit it? in that moment, my heart was breaking *— until i realized i wasn’t saying goodbye to you.

i was saying goodbye to the wide-eyed 17-year-old you, with lofty dreams and an even bigger heart. who you are now, someone who is a

unrecognizable, disillusioned, warped version of you

is not someone that i loved. we are no longer who we were 5 years ago, and it is foolish to think that love could be better than the lover. it is time for me to make the most of what remains of the day.

*from Kazuo Ishiguro’s The Remains of the Day